I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
