i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He uses pillows to masturbate.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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