How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
