There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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