hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
