Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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