he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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