yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
