Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
