Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
