i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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