my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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