I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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