My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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