um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
