Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
