Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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