I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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