i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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