Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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