Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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