If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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