I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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