i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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