The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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