dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
