I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
