So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
