the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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