Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
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I need you to use more vowels.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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