Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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