Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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