Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
People in love make me want to vomit
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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