I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
