she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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