Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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