In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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