i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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