The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize