Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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