I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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