You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
