If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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