I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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