Welp...herpes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize