Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize