Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
