dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
