im about as happy as oj after his trial
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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