so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
