I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
