i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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