don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
