I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
