in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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