She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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