Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
