When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
