I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
