I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
