Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
