totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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