when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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