walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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