literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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