Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
