Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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