he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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