Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
